It’s taken me a long time to write this post.
Recently I have had a problem with bouts of utter hopelessness. We’re talking desolate black holes which seem too deep to climb from and too dark to see out of – and yet they do pass. The problem is how I cope whilst I’m down there.
I’ve always had good coping skills – I pull myself together and logic and practical answers sort me out. And yet recently, I have found myself totally unarmed whenever these night-time days happen. I find myself forgetting all that I know – my mindfulness, my CBT, the skills that I have gained over the last twenty five years. Instead, I make bad decisions. I chose coping strategies that are neither healthy nor sustainable and which just make me feel worse. And it scares me. I am scared by what I’ve done and what I may do and I worry that one day it won’t just be a case of waking up the next day feeling silly.
I know this will pass. I know that things will get better and that I will be back to my normal happy self soon. But it’s just another reminder that maybe I haven’t come as far as I thought. I still have a way to go.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I need to change things. I need to stop waiting for it to happen and beating myself for being no further than I was ten years ago. It’s time for me to decide what I really, really want and where I want to be. It’s time to grow up a bit.
I have exciting projects ahead. I have things to look forward to and people who think I’m worth spending time on. I can’t mess it up.
Obsessively compulsively yours,